Sunday, November 28, 2010

A goal revisited

after realizing that I hadn't tweeted since September, I read my old tweets and realized that I'm utterly boring. It was weird seeing all the things that I had picked up and dropped. All the straws I was pulling at. The only thing consistent about my twitter persona is that she is inconsistent, or at least it comes across that way. And worse: Dispassionate.
Why am I saying these things? Because examining my tweets kind of helped me to see myself in as close to objective reality as one can get while looking at oneself. There were no filters or forgotten words or situations. It was all written by me and it was all an attempt to connect in some way. Although, there were times I thought I was really putting myself on the line, I really wasn't. I thought I was really sharing, but I still wasn't letting people in. This block is another thing consistent about me. Its fear. And that brings me back to the goal I made in January 2010. To build an art career in one year. Was it fear that stifled me or was it circumstance? 
A few months ago, I connected with a local artist here in Atlanta via a neighbor. He is making and selling work and has an ambitious, but achievable goal or exhibiting at MOMA. I told him about my relationship with fear and excuses. He told me to just let it go. To be transparent. To educate myself about art and prolific artists. He told me about his research and creation cycles. Learning and acquiring and then putting that knowledge to work on the canvas. This was another piece to the puzzle, but I still wasn't ready to let go. To stop asking for permission to be myself and to stop blaming my circumstances. 
Each day I send myself an email reminder through google Calender. It's a "Stop doing list":

Stop making excuses
Stop beating yourself up
Stop feeling sorry for yourself
Stop settling for "functional, okay, not-so-bad"
Stop apologizing for yourself
Stop waiting for things to happen for you or to you
Stop trashing your work

Perhaps, it's time to make a "do list". 1.) Feel the fear and do it anyway


  1. Hey Spring Flowerchild great to see you back blogging. Letting go, allowing yourself to just be, to just do can be a terrifying thing, I totally get where you're coming from. I've just had to take a running jump and hurtle myself back into the artistic deep end of the pool and it was scarey. But your friend is oh so right. You can do it, you know what you have to do. Wishing you all the best. Love the new look blog :)

  2. Thank you Gwei. It's good to be writing again. It is indeed terrifying to take that leap. When I ask myself why I'm afraid, it really doesn't make sense out loud. That should be a clue to me that this isn't the kind of fear that says, "Stay back, this is dangerous".

  3. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is a great place to start. The book by Susan Jeffers helped me tremendously, and I go back to it when I find myself procrastinating about things that I love. Its so easy to be interested in things, to have goals, but to let them fall away. Good for you for getting back on track.